it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
