I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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