yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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