You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So much rum. So many feels.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
