the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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