I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
