Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
