I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
