Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
