My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
