I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
