what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
