he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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