I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
