I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
