She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
