Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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