he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
