our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
