I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
