I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
