I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my sisters under your porch take her home
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
