do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
