break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
