Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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