I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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