Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
