He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
