Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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