Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
