Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
