what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You ruined the universe
Randomize
