I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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