I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
