I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
