You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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