Im at strip club and am horny
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
