I think my vagina is haunted
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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