Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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