stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
