Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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