Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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