Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
