look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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