Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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