HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
