You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
