sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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