so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
