Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
