Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
