You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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